Confidence and Romantic Limiting Beliefs as a Plus-Size Woman - #2
Written in June 2024My work to unlearn the limiting beliefs that have been affecting my romantic life seems like it’s going to be an ongoing process. Here are my newest revelations:
Another caveat to my less-than-ideal situation is living where I do, and having very little access to social events that might be well suited to meeting singles in my age range. Most of the men that live in my area are not even remotely my type and none of my friends and family know men who are single and might be a good match with me. Given this, I struggle to imagine any situations where I can really practice changing my dating mindset to a more positive, less limiting one just by meeting people in person. So, I’ve returned to the apps - something I desperately wanted to avoid - to access a wider range of people.
At the very least, being on the apps is letting me practice not assuming every mildly intriguing profile I come across would never swipe on me (although, once again, the numbers are not in favor of that mindset either). I’m no longer swiping left on people I find attractive just to avoid the reality of never matching with them now, which feels like some kind of growth. At least I’m accepting that it’s a possibility they’d swipe right, I guess? But now that it’s been a few weeks of being back on the apps and having a few dates, all they seem to be doing is reconfirming my belief that the people I want do not want me. Add to that the fact that the apps are a lot of work and exert a lot of emotional damage, and I’m feeling quite discouraged.
While on the apps, I’ve tried several different strategies. I’ve tweaked my profile here and there to be as authentic as I can make it while still being lighthearted and flirty (two traits I do not access easily before knowing someone). I’ve chosen a variety of photos, some that I feel reveal my authentic personality, others that show off the fact that I clean up nice, and others that feature some of my cool and unique hobbies. I’m on Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, and Facebook Dating (though will likely be quitting those last two soon), and have tried different messaging strategies as well. I will occasionally send the first message on more than just Bumble, and vary my messages between being super specific about their profile, being generally friendly and curious, and being sort of flirty. More often than not, I try to strike a combination of those three things.
Even with these strategies in place, if I try flirting, the conversations almost immediately become overtly sexual and objectifying. When I try to tone it down, the conversation fizzles out. Sometimes I have deep and interesting texting conversations with men I meet on apps, but those rarely result in meeting in person even if we seem compatible. It’s a fucking nightmare out there. Over the past few weeks of swiping, I’ve gone on four dates. Out of those four dates, none went particularly well with two lacking a spark and the other two being downright disrespectful and teetering on the edge of danger. If I’m honest, they were downright dangerous, but I’m trying to stay positive here.
Now I’m getting pickier and pickier about who I swipe right on. I’m testing myself by only swiping on people who I genuinely feel would be a good match - people whose personalities and interests seem compatible, people whom I share a political view with and who seem respectful, and people whose pictures actually kind of excite me rather than make me grimace. Unfortunately, this has led to me getting an abysmally low number of matches and even when I do get a match, they often quickly unmatch me, never respond to my messages, or never take it upon themselves to message me first.
I’m sure some will say I’m being too picky and shooting for guys who are out of my league, but like I said in my previous entry, I have a deep well of self-love and I know what I want. I refuse to settle for less. A huge part of this whole dating exercise is simply me trying to prove to myself that I can access the kind of relationship I want, so swiping right on people who don’t actually interest me just for the sake of getting matches is not it. I’ve done that for years, and I’m done. It’s gotten me into enough terrible situations.
However, all of this swiping is only cementing my belief that the men who I want don’t want me and I’d have to change some fundamental part of myself to attract them, which is exactly what I’m looking to unlearn. There have to be some single guys in all of Southern California who have their shit together, have compatible personalities with mine, know how to treat a woman with respect, and aren’t absolutely repulsed by the idea of dating a curvy woman. Just statistically, they have to be out there, right?
I’m not even looking for anything serious at this point in my life. I have some big life plans that I have been working toward which will dramatically change my life in the next year. If everything works out, I’ll be in a place surrounded by more like-minded people and where the opportunities to meet people abound, rather than living with my parents in a city where it’s extremely difficult to meet people. I’m holding on to that eventuality as the one thing easing my worries about being alone permanently.
Even so, I don’t want to get into that ideal situation with no idea how to present myself in a way that opens me up to something wonderful. I have no practice being bold, flirty, or feeling some sense of control over who I engage with romantically. At this point, I don’t really know how to get that practice since meeting people here, either on the apps or in person, has been so difficult. When I finally find myself in a place where I might meet someone amazing, I don’t want to let the opportunity slip through my fingers because I don’t have the confidence to put myself out there or haven’t practiced the skill of effectively communicating in a romantic setting.
Maybe there are some things I could do to practice dating, even where I am now… but I need to do some research or get some advice to do them:
I could get out of my town more often and go places with more like-minded people my age. When I do, I could go alone rather than with friends who are natural attention grabbers or with family who are an immediate buffer. Are there classes or books that teach people, especially introverts, how to approach people that aren’t slimy business books or pickup artist advice? That skill seems important since the only things I can control are where I go and who I actually approach. I can’t control whether other people approach me.
For now, I’ll keep plugging on, trying to find ways to develop those skills and maintain some modicum of hope.
